When a woman goes through a divorce, she finds her life flipped upside down. As a friend, you want to help her but may be unsure on what to do. Here are some tips to help her through this life transition.
Do support her by calling, emailing, and sending her texts. Divorce can be a lonely time and just a short text will let her know she is not alone.
Do pay attention to her feelings. If she has a smile on her face, do not act down. She may actually be happy. Yes, it could be a mask, but women during divorce experience a wide range of emotions – from sheer joy they are free from their husbands to complete terror of what the future holds. It changes daily, sometimes hourly, so if she is happy, do not bring her down. If you are unsure of her feelings, simply ask. She most likely will tell you. Do not contradict her feelings with how you think she should be feeling.
Do teach her to live in the present. A good grounding exercise is to have her look at her feet. Where her feet are is where she is. Are her feet in a car? Then she can be grateful she has a car. If her feet are at her job, she can be grateful she has a job. If her feet are at a friend’s house, she can be grateful she has a friend. It teaches her to look where she is at the moment and not worry where she will be in the future. All people really have in life is the present, but most of us do not realize this. During a divorce, this becomes more evident. The more your friend can accept where she is at the moment, the easier this transition will be.
Do teach her to embrace change, not fear it. This is an opportunity to embark upon new dreams. She now can reinvent herself or simply reconnect to the woman she once was. This can be a time for extensive personal growth, if she takes a positive approach to her life change. Let her see she is not starting over her life but instead continuing her life journey.
Do remind her to wait four seasons before doing anything drastic. If she is signing up for an online dating site the day she leaves her husband, you may gently need to pull her in a bit.
Do invite her out. Often women who have been in emotionally abusive relationships have been isolated by their husbands. Help get your friend out socializing again. If she has been severely isolated by an abusive spouse, you may be the only friend she has at the moment. Of course, do not go overboard being her best friend either. Give her space, while including her in your social life.
Do realize she is going through financial hardship. Even if she appears to be financially comfortable, she is spending a large amount of money on an attorney. Her assets are about to be split in half, and there is now the cost of adding an additional residence to the divorcing couple’s income. Sending her listings of homes she cannot afford is not the thing to do at the moment. You do not know if her husband has gambled away their life savings or if she is feeding her kids using credit cards, and she may be too embarrassed to tell you.
Do remind her to put the children first. Unless her husband was abusive, the children will only be harmed if she alienates her children from their father. The children are the product of both parents and will do better receiving love from both of them. She may not want to hear this, so do this sensitively. Be positive about the free time she will have when the children are with their father.
Do encourage her to exercise. Going to the bar occasionally may be fun, but it is not the solution to dealing with the stresses in life and in the end may lead to more problems. Exercise is a better way to burn off excess energy, and she may get healthier while doing so. Ask her to go on a bike ride or walk. Sign the two of you up for a 5K. If she has more financial freedom, join a yoga class with her.
Do offer to help with the kids. Often when one parent moves out, the remaining one is left with all the parental duties, and it becomes difficult to coordinate the kids’ schedules. Instead of having her drive to your home to pick up her children after you have watched them, do her a favor and drive them home.
Do take her to lunch. Getting divorced is expensive. If you can spare ten dollars, pay for her lunch; you will have no idea how much she will appreciate it. Additionally, you could bring extra food over to help feed the children during the initial transition. Offer to drive so she does not need to worry about buying gas.
Do find solutions. If she cannot see a way to juggle everything that needs to be done, find a solution for her. You are thinking more clearly than she is at the moment. If she does not know how she will coordinate childcare, come up with some suggestions and present them to her as options.
Do take on a task if she feels overwhelmed. Getting divorced is extremely time consuming. Is she finding it difficult to get a doctor’s appointment for her child? Call the doctor’s office yourself and see if they can fit in her child. Little things such as these will alleviate stress for your friend. If she is extremely stressed, suggest she make an appointment with her doctor to find other ways to deal with her anxiety. Help her prioritize tasks, taking on one task at a time. For example, she will not need to find childcare until she finds a job. Help her focus on the job hunt instead of the childcare. Show her that little steps over time turn into giant leaps.
Do help her find a job if she does not already have one. If your friend has been a stay-at-home mom for a significant period, she may lack confidence in returning to the work force. There are organizations set up to help women in this situation. They can assist with resume writing, job seeking, work clothes, and childcare. Call and find out how they can help your friend. If she does not have work clothes, offer to lend her yours, buy her an outfit, or take her thrift store shopping.
Do find lawyer referrals. Finding a good attorney is one of the most crucial steps when getting divorced. Help your friend by calling your friends who have gone through a divorce and asking for the names of their attorneys.
Don’t go away. In the beginning of most divorces, friends come out of the woodwork and offer support. However, after a month or so, they return to their lives while the person getting divorced may be in the worst of the situation. It takes a year for every decade of marriage for a person to get over a divorce; make an effort during that time to give your friend special attention. Mark your calendar to call your friend every week or every two weeks during the longer transition period to check up on her.
Don’t bring up “what ifs.” Your friend may be in a good mood, and after listening to all your worries may come off the phone needing anti-anxiety medicine. She has enough fears, do not add more to the pile.
Don’t tell your friend what to do and then get angry if she does not listen. This is the worst thing you can do. She is at a point of being completely alone, perhaps for the first time in her life, and having to make many decisions on her own. It is hard. By telling her she is doing something wrong or questioning her decisions, you are causing her stress, whether she tells you that or not. Help her find solutions, but never criticize the choices she is making. She knows her situation better than anyone else. Support her while she gains her strength.
Don’t gossip about her divorce to others. If she wants to share her situation with others, let her do it, not you.
Don’t bash her ex. Remember, she picked him and possibly spent decades of her life with him. Even though she may despise him at the moment, when you criticize him she may view it as criticism of her decision to have married him. Also, she may still have some positive feelings toward him. What most people do not realize is often one or both of the partners do not want a divorce, but it may be the only solution for one of the partners to find peace.
Do support her by calling, emailing, and sending her texts. Divorce can be a lonely time and just a short text will let her know she is not alone.
Do pay attention to her feelings. If she has a smile on her face, do not act down. She may actually be happy. Yes, it could be a mask, but women during divorce experience a wide range of emotions – from sheer joy they are free from their husbands to complete terror of what the future holds. It changes daily, sometimes hourly, so if she is happy, do not bring her down. If you are unsure of her feelings, simply ask. She most likely will tell you. Do not contradict her feelings with how you think she should be feeling.
Do teach her to live in the present. A good grounding exercise is to have her look at her feet. Where her feet are is where she is. Are her feet in a car? Then she can be grateful she has a car. If her feet are at her job, she can be grateful she has a job. If her feet are at a friend’s house, she can be grateful she has a friend. It teaches her to look where she is at the moment and not worry where she will be in the future. All people really have in life is the present, but most of us do not realize this. During a divorce, this becomes more evident. The more your friend can accept where she is at the moment, the easier this transition will be.
Do teach her to embrace change, not fear it. This is an opportunity to embark upon new dreams. She now can reinvent herself or simply reconnect to the woman she once was. This can be a time for extensive personal growth, if she takes a positive approach to her life change. Let her see she is not starting over her life but instead continuing her life journey.
Do remind her to wait four seasons before doing anything drastic. If she is signing up for an online dating site the day she leaves her husband, you may gently need to pull her in a bit.
Do invite her out. Often women who have been in emotionally abusive relationships have been isolated by their husbands. Help get your friend out socializing again. If she has been severely isolated by an abusive spouse, you may be the only friend she has at the moment. Of course, do not go overboard being her best friend either. Give her space, while including her in your social life.
Do realize she is going through financial hardship. Even if she appears to be financially comfortable, she is spending a large amount of money on an attorney. Her assets are about to be split in half, and there is now the cost of adding an additional residence to the divorcing couple’s income. Sending her listings of homes she cannot afford is not the thing to do at the moment. You do not know if her husband has gambled away their life savings or if she is feeding her kids using credit cards, and she may be too embarrassed to tell you.
Do remind her to put the children first. Unless her husband was abusive, the children will only be harmed if she alienates her children from their father. The children are the product of both parents and will do better receiving love from both of them. She may not want to hear this, so do this sensitively. Be positive about the free time she will have when the children are with their father.
Do encourage her to exercise. Going to the bar occasionally may be fun, but it is not the solution to dealing with the stresses in life and in the end may lead to more problems. Exercise is a better way to burn off excess energy, and she may get healthier while doing so. Ask her to go on a bike ride or walk. Sign the two of you up for a 5K. If she has more financial freedom, join a yoga class with her.
Do offer to help with the kids. Often when one parent moves out, the remaining one is left with all the parental duties, and it becomes difficult to coordinate the kids’ schedules. Instead of having her drive to your home to pick up her children after you have watched them, do her a favor and drive them home.
Do take her to lunch. Getting divorced is expensive. If you can spare ten dollars, pay for her lunch; you will have no idea how much she will appreciate it. Additionally, you could bring extra food over to help feed the children during the initial transition. Offer to drive so she does not need to worry about buying gas.
Do find solutions. If she cannot see a way to juggle everything that needs to be done, find a solution for her. You are thinking more clearly than she is at the moment. If she does not know how she will coordinate childcare, come up with some suggestions and present them to her as options.
Do take on a task if she feels overwhelmed. Getting divorced is extremely time consuming. Is she finding it difficult to get a doctor’s appointment for her child? Call the doctor’s office yourself and see if they can fit in her child. Little things such as these will alleviate stress for your friend. If she is extremely stressed, suggest she make an appointment with her doctor to find other ways to deal with her anxiety. Help her prioritize tasks, taking on one task at a time. For example, she will not need to find childcare until she finds a job. Help her focus on the job hunt instead of the childcare. Show her that little steps over time turn into giant leaps.
Do help her find a job if she does not already have one. If your friend has been a stay-at-home mom for a significant period, she may lack confidence in returning to the work force. There are organizations set up to help women in this situation. They can assist with resume writing, job seeking, work clothes, and childcare. Call and find out how they can help your friend. If she does not have work clothes, offer to lend her yours, buy her an outfit, or take her thrift store shopping.
Do find lawyer referrals. Finding a good attorney is one of the most crucial steps when getting divorced. Help your friend by calling your friends who have gone through a divorce and asking for the names of their attorneys.
Don’t go away. In the beginning of most divorces, friends come out of the woodwork and offer support. However, after a month or so, they return to their lives while the person getting divorced may be in the worst of the situation. It takes a year for every decade of marriage for a person to get over a divorce; make an effort during that time to give your friend special attention. Mark your calendar to call your friend every week or every two weeks during the longer transition period to check up on her.
Don’t bring up “what ifs.” Your friend may be in a good mood, and after listening to all your worries may come off the phone needing anti-anxiety medicine. She has enough fears, do not add more to the pile.
Don’t tell your friend what to do and then get angry if she does not listen. This is the worst thing you can do. She is at a point of being completely alone, perhaps for the first time in her life, and having to make many decisions on her own. It is hard. By telling her she is doing something wrong or questioning her decisions, you are causing her stress, whether she tells you that or not. Help her find solutions, but never criticize the choices she is making. She knows her situation better than anyone else. Support her while she gains her strength.
Don’t gossip about her divorce to others. If she wants to share her situation with others, let her do it, not you.
Don’t bash her ex. Remember, she picked him and possibly spent decades of her life with him. Even though she may despise him at the moment, when you criticize him she may view it as criticism of her decision to have married him. Also, she may still have some positive feelings toward him. What most people do not realize is often one or both of the partners do not want a divorce, but it may be the only solution for one of the partners to find peace.
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